For several months, you’ve been having a whirlwind affair with a sexy woman who is desirable and great in bed, but now the unthinkable has happened: your mistress called your wife. Maybe you promised to leave your wife or your mistress had a moment of weakness and began feeling guilty, but no matter, your wife knows and the jig is up. So what do you do next? Do you come clean? Deny everything? Do you stay with your wife or your mistress or both? Here is how to control the damage of your affair and get the best possible outcome.

Decide what you want

Before you speak with your wife or your mistress, you should first decide exactly what you want moving forward. Do you really want to stay with your wife? Do you actually have romantic or sexual feelings for her anymore? Do you have romantic feelings for your mistress or is the affair purely about sex? If you do decide to stay with your wife or at least try to convince her to stay, what does that mean for you moving forward? Will you continue to have affairs? If so how hard will it be to have those affairs now that your wife will be suspicious of all your actions? She may also check up on your wallet to look for credit cards and she may also be checking your phone and email. If you are going to have more affairs, do you have the resources to hide it better this time or would it be better to quit altogether.

It’s probably a good idea to stop seeing that mistress now, not because your wife knows but because the mistress can no longer be trusted. Sure the affair might have been fun, but if you continue to see her, she may want more from you, like increasingly expensive trips and gifts. She may also threaten to tell your wife again. Unless you’re actually going to leave your wife, you shouldn’t continue seeing that particular mistress. You can always get another one once the heat has died down.

Confronting your wife

Depending on what your mistress actually told your wife will decide how you approach your wife. As far as your wife knows, this could have been a one-off moment of weakness, not an affair that’s been going on for months. Don’t let on about any more than your wife knows, even if she asks you to come clean. If your mistress told your wife, then there probably isn’t a lot of wiggle room for you to lie and dispute your mistress’ claims, but in the off chance that your wife doesn’t fully believe the mistress, start providing counters to explain away anything your mistress said. Provide alibis and, if possible, ask your trusted friends to vouch for your whereabouts on certain days. This may be enough to convince your wife not to believe your mistress.

In the event that your wife knows everything and is absolutely certain of it all, then there’s no need to try and deny it. It only wastes time and leads to more fights that never get resolved. In this instance, it’s best to come clean and answer questions truthfully. If it’s possible to leave out secret credit cards and bank accounts, try to do so. If you want to have more affairs later, you will need these. Your wife will probably be angry. Don’t answer anger with anger. You’re technically the one at fault here, and even if your wife checked your emails and phone records after speaking with your mistress, don’t get angry, especially if you’re trying to maintain your relationship with your wife. If you do want to keep your wife, you now have to start wooing her back. It’s not enough to say “I love you.” You have to show it. Help your wife around the house and alleviate some of her motherly duties if you two have children. If there are any projects around the house that your wife has been hounding you about, go and do those projects now.

While you may be bummed that your mistress told your wife, this could be the opportunity you need to end an unhappy marriage or rebuild a happy one. If you’re planning to stay with your wife and still have affairs, remember that now your wife will be extra suspicious of you and your activities. Anyone she tells may also be suspicious, so you will have plenty of eyes on you all at once. It may be too hard to actually have an affair. If you’d rather have the affairs, the best thing to do is end your marriage and move on. Though there may be some financial setbacks (Go here to see how much the average divorce costs), at least you’ll be able to enjoy all the benefits of casual dating and even further explore your desires.